I don't care for this careful behaviour

I feel numb. I feel detached.

What do you do when your caught in a middle...If you feel like a poser in a counterculture but feel alienated and left out in popular cuture? Which is better, to feel like a fraud or to feel left out. outside I'm adrift, ligering on the fringe; more of an observer than a participant. Sometimes, I walk around crowded places and watch. I put on my headphones and drift out looking at those around me trying to decipher what's going on. Everything is not as obvious as it appears to be. I let my mind wander and I argue with myself, I talk and think and ponder and wonder. I notice that people miss out on things around them. Wonderful, fantastic things. we keep our heads down and rush on through our own shit...appointments, deadlines, papers, jobs we never stop. Meals to go and cereal in bar form so you can cut down those precious few minutes in the morning betweeen rolling out of bed and making it ontime.

We take the same route to work and eat at the same restaurant. We buy the same stuff and fall into routines. I have a love hate relationship with my habbits. I am organized and centered with them but also become dependant on them. Things need to be in order, designed and appropriatley fitted into our lives. We can define ourselves by how and what we consume; that way we don't need to take the time to get to know each other. We meet and associate based on superficial things. We get to know "types" of people and choose which "types" we best match with. Then it's a simple matter of relating to one another through the things we like, not, what we ARE like. Sometimes it seems like the superficial stuff really does matter.

It doesn't. Or atleast it shouldn't.