Have you ever had a moment where you just wished the earth would suddenly open up from under your feet and swallow you whole?

This post could also be titled "notes for the late night freak out" but why go with the succinct title when I can ramble on without even starting.

Going home is weird, or perhaps I find going home to be weird. On second thought (which I have been doing a lot of lately) I shouldn't say weird, I really mean different and differnt does not necesarily mean bad. It seems an all to common phenomina that nowadays people say weird when they mean different but that even the word different has developed a certain amount of linguistic baggage so that we infer weirdness even when we say different. It has become unclear to me when one word became intrinsically linked to the other and I am also unable to figure out where to split the two ideas.
One small nugget of insight that lasted in my brain from the past sememster was the following. All of the meanings and implication of the word "humane" (as in the proper, honorouble and consciencous treatment of another person) was, for the longest time, simply implied in the word "human." When you spoke with the words "human" or "humanity" you were implying that the notions of "humane" we taken for granted by your choice of words. Now we make a point of using them seperatly....we talk and debate the idea of the "humane treatment of a human being." Why and how did the meaning of "humane" get stripped out of "human"?

I like to think I am the same person I was in Highschool but I'm clearly not. I have grown and matured, defined and redefined my beliefs and attitudes yet there is something about the trip back home, the junction of my life where my new and old worlds cross over that causes me to feel like I'm being crushed between my past and my future. when you feel like you are caught between two worlds, two different lifestyles how do you pick one and how do you assure yourself you've made the right choice?

I think everything we do is justification. Everyone wants to find that religion or lifestyle or philosophy that allows you to live the way you want and sleep easy knowing that you have satisfied yourself and have fit into your little slot and thus found your place in the world. I had an amazing class last semester learning about great philosophers and the epic debates and questioning and the tortured souls they created by struggling, for no other sake than the desire to know something for sure. I also learnt about the value of doing something profoundly useless. I love that phrase, I simply adore the combination those words make, it is the coolest, most completely zen answear to the debate about the function or purpose of what you are doing. It doesn't matter what you are doing because there is value in doing all things even ones that are "profoundly useless." So with this in mind I finially get to the crux about this debate raging in my brain (it has managed to keep me from the soft embrace of my pillow and blanket for nearly an hour now) I accepted and took solice in this notion of doing profoundly useless things but then outside of the world created by my professor this solice provided little coverage when questioned about the raw mechanics of life. I'm supposed to be in school to get a degree to earn money to pay my bills and eat and live independantly and consume etc etc etc. Profoundly useless does not pay any bills yet I am convinced it is important to myself and to the noble pursuit of knowledge. Where is the middle ground? How do I pay the bills and fit into my slot, while still doing something profoundly useless?

It's not just Christmas eve tonight it's also Chanukah eve

And away we go...those of you more familiar with me may be atleast somewhat familiar with my thoughts on this holiday season. Mainly that I do not like it. Now before all you Christmas enthusiasts and Holiday cheer spreaders jump on top of me with your "Bah Humbugery" and call me a grinch (which has already happened once this season) let me atleast leave some thoughts about the season to ponder.

Christmas last for one day, ONE, that's it. It does not deserve, nor require, two months of preparations and jingles and t.v. specials and parades and costumes and all the other stuff that has come to be associated with Christmas. Why does santa have to move into all the stores while they are still packing up the bats and pumpkins fomr Halloween? Also this holiday called Christmas, atleast the way it is observed and practiced by the vast, VAST majority has nothing at all to do with the religious notions of Christmas. I suppose an argument could be made that since the baby jesus received gifts from the three wise men that gift giving is part of the holiday, but the next time you rationalize all your spending remember that (I heard this on a CBC radio special about consumption) that most Canadians put all the Christmas spending on visa and it takes an average of SIX months to pay it off. That's July, that's half-way to next freakin Christmas and you are still paying off last years presents. If this holiday season is supposed to be about friends and fmaily and reconnecting and loving and sharing etc than shouldn't we focus more on that istead of desperatly running all over the city searching for gifts we feel we have to buy? I recently wanted to spend time with a friend who I hadn't seen in several months, she told me she was busy becuase she was visiting friends the next day and HAD to get them presents. Similarily I don't understand why people put so much effort in finding the perfect gift in the stores...it's not the perfect gift for someone because it was mass produced to appeal to a very broad section of the population. Any gift that you have found and purchased off the rack in a store for someone is not a personal and unique gift because the EXACT same item is going to countless others this season. Those of you fortunate enough to have visited with me during this holiday break have all received some home baked cookies. I am sorry to anyone who missed out on cookies or who I did not get to visit, I will bake you something nice in the new year I promise. The beautiful thing about this gift is it was cheap (I like all university students am poor and have much better things to spend my precious few dollars on than crappy mass produced consumer goods) and quite frankly I spent more time, effort and dedication baking delicious cookies from scratch then I ever would have buying my friends gifts at the mall. **anyone who did give me a mass produced consumer item as I gift I do genuinely appreciate that you thought of me and I assure it's the thought (for me anyways) that counts way more than the gift.**

Okay that should nicely cover my thoughts on Christmas and consumption, moving on to other related topics.

Why must everyone be so Christmas-normative about this time of year. I know this may come as a big shock to a lot of people but not only is Christmas not celebrated by everyone but not everyone gets into the "spirit of things" at "Christmas time." It's not Christmas time, it's winter time, or holiday season because yes there are a lot of holidays that do happen to fall in and around mid/late December. Basically I think it's unfair that I have to get excited that you decorated your christmas tree or that I have to listen to Christmas carols all the time, I am not being a grinch when I don't get excited for Christmas, it's not my holiday...have you ever gotten really excited about Chanukah? Have you ever heard a Chanukah song in the shopping mall? Someone I know remarked on the 23rd of december that it was "Chritmas eve eve" That is just ridiculous.

Okay, that's enough holiday rant. Basically I want to wish all my readers, regardless of what holiday you chose to celebrate and how you do it, to be safe. Enjoy your break, visit your friends and family, laugh, reconnect, get drunk have fun and don't stress out about anything.



P.S. I know I feel like I post a lot of these "a new interesting post to come soon" p.s.'s But I do honestly assure anyone who still bothers to read this blog that a new, non-ranting post is in the works. Hopefully it will be up before new years so stay tuned.

On Christmas lights and being lazy

I like to walk, a lot. There is a certain zen appeal to walking as opposed to the other options for travelling. Even if the weather is bad I will still walk; if I have some music to listen to, good shoes and my warm coat rest assured I will walk wherever possible.

So I am walking last night down the streets of my childhood, and I noticed a number of things about my neihgbourhood. I live in a part of Toronto (when I am not at school in Hamilton) called Don Mills. This is a strange neighbourhood in the North East of Toronto, not quite north enough to Thornhill and not quite east enough to be Scarborough. 60 or so years ago Don Mills was the suburbs of Toronto untill the city expanded and pushed suburbia farther and farther away. It also used to be a overtly Jewsih part of the city. Today I feel like my family are the only Jews still living here and the neighbourhood looks just like most of the other residential parts of Toronto. We have lost the cookie cutter look of suburbia (that's a good thing), the treess that were just saplings planted by the developers have had 50 or 60 years to grow and the houses have seen enough owners and remodeling that the street looks like a nice collection of unique houses. That's just on the surface, if you scratch just a tiny hint below that you can see the unifromity of the houses, there are really only three maybe four basic house designs and on top of that they are all worth roughly the same amount. This socio-economic platuea means that everyone in the neighbourhood is about as well to do as everyone else and it becomes apprent in a lot of ways. Every family with kids on the street has a basketball net in their driveway (including my own driveway), every mother has a minivan or for some a useless luxury SUV. Every driveway has two cars, usually a sedan of some sort that the dads drive and a minivan or other large, whole family accomodating vehicle.

Now before I get any farther off topic, let's go back to last night at around 10:30 when I went for my evening constitutional around the block. I like Christmas lights, although I don't know why or how the christians got a hold of the naming rights to string lights and why many Jewish families don't think it appropriate to put them up but never the less they can be very pleasent to watch...CAN be very pleasent. Many of these lights, especially those "iceicle" lights look terrible in the day-time, like the house sneezed and left a stringy green goober hanging off the roof. At night time though, they twinkle like little diamonds shimering in the cool winter dusk. There are some beautiful lights in my neighbourhood. Carefully done to compliment the shape of the house and artfully warapped around the trees and bushes. They have found beautiful colors, not the grade-school bold primary color lights but nice shades of blues and purple and white/oranges that gradual fade between one or two or even three colors.

I guess what this post is really about is being lazy. I have studying to do, I have two exams left before I can fully enjoy my winter break. I am sick of school, I am sick of my classes. I am now past the half-way point to getting my degree but have recently become very unsure of what I am doing or why even bother doing it. I am going to stop reading Kerouac; the last bok I read by him ( "The Dharma Bums" it was fantastic) made me want to drop out and begin a simple life living in a modest cottage in the woods learning to meditate and write and be at peace. I think these ideas have immense importance, I really believe that there is value in doing things that are profoundly useless. Unfortunatly I live in a society overly obsessed with functionality and now I need to start figuring out which cog in the giant machine I will replace.

Well that's enough procrastination for now. I have updated the books section and the music section so check it out. I think I am slightly less bored than when I started.

P.S. A final though to pose to all my readers: If I put my study notes under my pillow when I go to sleep tonight, do you think I will keep absorbing information? Kinda like osmosis (now before all you science kids jump on my lack of knowledge, I am in Peace St. but I do know that osmosis is kinda the idea I am going for, or is atleast a good description of what I am hoping will happen.) What if I were to record myself reading the notes and then layer it into some music and then fall asleep listening to that song on repeat...would that work? Basically I am looking for the easiest, laziest way to add new information to my brain. Any and all suggestions are welcome

And Still The City Sleeps

Have you ever felt like the only person who is awake sometimes? Have you ever explored the city when it's sleeping?

I took a walk last night and didn't encounter any signs of life, save for one car, one lonely dog walker and a rumbling city bus. The snow was just starting to fall gently and my path was lit every few steps by the soft orange street lamps. There was no wind and everythign around me was still and silent.

It was beuatiful, I felt like I was walking through an urban haiku. The city asleep, the snow falling and my mind free to drift away on a sea of thoughts.

I dedicated a good portion of my night to writting by candlelight, a beautiful setting that I constructed because I though it would inspre me, but it was just not my night. It was fun and beuatiful and intriguing but it did not yield the fruits of writting I was hoping for. However things looked much better in the morning and I was no longer upset about having failed to produce the masterpice I had dreamed of but had settled myself to the idea that while the pages I had written were not worth keeping, I did find one small nugget that I feel is worth reproducing. It encompasses the level of creative discourse I was searching for but could only tap into for a breif moment.

**I want to write a cosmic symphony on the parchement of space-time. Dip my pen in the bottomless inkwell of a black hole and compose a new thought, blasting in vivd technicolor across the cosmos and bind it all in a book with a belt of stars.**

Also, I'm sorry I have been neglecting my blog for so long, especially since everyone has been so generous with their comments. I came very close to being burried alive in an avalanche of essays but I made it to the end of another semester a little bit older and, I suppose, a little bit wiser. Goodluck to all my university readers staring down the beast that is winter exams. Soon we will be free to frolick naked in the glorious joy that is known as winter holidays.