Somewhere between a giant apple and a giant orange

A lot has happened in the last 6 days. This may mean more to some of you than others...I don't really know who's reading this but maybe I will sleep once I write this.

Six Days Ago: That should be august the 3rd 2005, I finsihed a course that day. I spent the day wishing I was already done my final exam and worte said final exam for my children's lit class in the same mentality. I flew through the exam like Air France flys through runways. (I might edit that out...I only don't feel terrible because everyone made it out safely from the crash at Pearson Airport.) My pen tore through that exam with the goal of actual summer freedom in mind more than anything else and I was celibrating before I left the building and was rushing before I even left campus. Then I read my final essay, which was returned after the exam was handed in. I was abruptly stopped by the worst essay grade I have ever received. That sucked. I had just begin to have thoughts (this sumemr) of becoming a writer or somehow centering myself around wirtting when I have to face the real world. I had always relied on my belief that writting was probobly my strongest academic skill and school papers always seemed to work in my favour. I spent the rest of the night trying to celibrate and appearing happy on the outside.

Five Days Ago: I have to leave Hamilton for Toronto and consequently say goodbye to someone for the rest of the summer. A whole month apart seems pretty insignificant it's just that it started in a bad way which is throwing me off. I am tired and sad all day. This is possibly the worst mood to be in when you are travelling by the bus. I find something so tragic about travelling like this...it's a slow gradual move away...you usually have nothing to do but look out the window and watch life speed past. I used to like to wander around places like train or bus stations and even airports. They are an amazing centre of emotion. At any of these places you can spot people who are stressed about being late or missing/ed a train or bus or plane. People who are overjoyed because they are going home; or maybe people are overjoyed because they are picking someone up. There are sad people and confused people, organized and scattered, traveling companions or travelling solos. I like to put on my headphones and watch others go by...I wonder what their story is, what their journey means or has meant to them. We all come together in one place only to move away to new places.

Four Days Ago: I find I am drifting through my thoughts somewhere between a giant apple and a giant orange. I am in the car with my brother on the way to Montreal. The giant apple is at the side of the road and has sold over 2.3 million apple pies. That is a lot of pie. Our final destination is across the street from a giant orange and I was searching for a creative travelling metaphor invoving the giant fruits but sadly none came to me. I feel different travelling east then I do when travelling west. Not better or worse just different. My whole family awaits in Montreal and I am anxious and sad.

Three Days Ago: It is very hard to keep going from sad to happy...are you allowed to have fun if you didn't come to do so? It was fucking up my head all day changing back and forth between happiness and comfortable familiarity to worrying and anxiety. We rush through everything we do in life so quickly. I wish I could tell myself to slow down more. I want to saok things in, I want to dwell sometimes but I am in too much in the habbit of skipping through. Sometimes going through life feels like channel surfing; you always want to keep flipping to see everything around and keep thinking that you can always go back if you flip past...be careful of this cause you might miss something or not be able to flip back.

Two Days Ago: I am travelling west again, home to Hamilton for a bit then Toronto to run out the summer. I just kept going all day, little sleep, little food always moving west and even when I fnially stop moving west in Toronto I have a scant half hour and then I move west just a bit more. BY the time I get home I sitll feell like I am in motion. I have so much swimming around in my head but I say very little all night. Well I say nothing of substance all night. Just the usual banter, the same dialogue I have had a million times...it's comfortable and familiar, I sort of know what's going to happen but that's okay. The whole weekend was new and shocking, sometimes I'd rather get absorbed in the familiar. Do we fall into patterns cause we figure out what/how we like to do thngs the best or do we fall into patterns to avoid dealing with what scares us?

Yesterday: I felt drained, in every possible sense of the word. I slept most of the day cause it's easier than doing anything. I replaced my whole overnight bag (I left it in my room across the street form the big orange) Shampoo, toothbrush, deoderant the works. I am very mad, it is quite out of character for me to leave something like that behind.

Today: Well first off I'm not sure if this should be today...yes it is now tuesday the 9th and my story did begin 6 days ago; but it is past 3 am and to me it is only just very late on monday the 8th. I don't feel like I am in the next day untill I have slept and woken up in it.

Hopefully I'll wake up in tommorrow and be happy.

Goodnight...I'm feeling a little better already.