At the end of a night.

At the end of the night the ideas that haunt me eased themselves out of emotional extremes. I crave crucial moments, powerful ones where our emotions and inner nature boil and rush to the surface. I like things raw. My brain starts to race and I can sense a deep need to understand what is happening. I knew that in tonight there was inspiration to be had...I had just been trying to figure out what it was. I thought I had landed at my intellectual promised land earlier and took the pen to the paper with such fever, but it was (tragically) to no avail. I had merely at that point become conscious of the impending state that would appear before me in a more unexpected time. Not, the understanding itself, just the anticipation of the coming storm.

Fun, is fun; and sometimes what doesn't seem like fun ends up making the difference in our heads between a night that happened or a night when SOMETHING happened. I feel overwhemingly happy at this time in my life. I fear I am too jaded sometimes and weak to apathy. The world can take me down very easily. The more I learn about what happens in and around my life the sadder I feel. "Time is short, life is bad." I learned that from class, from critical theory. It's Plato, possibly Socrates I can't remember right now. Sometimes I belive this to be true, sometimes I like to shut my door and listen to sad music, sometimes I forget if I am listening to sad music because I am sad, or because the music is making me sad...Misery loves company right? Despite these sometimes, I always try and remain optimistic.

My light bulb came to me during a very dark hour of the night, during an hour commonly reserved for those who rise at a freakishly early hour in the morning. Tonight was about all the good things in life, in the people we know and keep around us, but unfortunately had to be twisted out of us forcefully to be understood. I believe in the good of life. I believe in the comfort of sleep. I will sleep well now, exhausted physically and content emotionally.


09/17/05


What a night.